Well why didn't you say so!

This one is the classic "I'm with the band" line. So I'm working the bar on a fairly busy concert night and we are currently on a wait of about 60-75 minutes, people have called in ahead of time to make reservations, yet there are those people who believe that, even though we are a stone throw away from the venue, that we will still have plenty of tables open with almost no wait... seriously, people think this. So needless to say, many of the folks waiting for a table are upset that they have to wait! Well, as I was saying, I'm working the bar when I go over to greet a group of 4 people squeezing in to get some drinks while they wait, so they order and I produce said drinks for the group, when all of a sudden, mind you as I'm already talking with another couple of guests, one of the women from the group asks "Can I talk to you about something?" So I head over to find out what she needs and she proceeds to say "Is there anyway you [meaning me] can hurry up our wait for a table?" I proceed to explain that I don't work at the front door, I only work the bar, I have to pull to get a table faster for anyone and how I know that many people have already made reservations and that is why there is such a long wait for walk-ins. This is where the awesome part comes in, she replies, "Welllll, I don't know if you know, but we have special VIP passes to get back stage and everything and we can't be late, so it would be great if you could go ahead and get us a table." I seriously stared at this lady for what seemed like 5 minutes, and then I replied "Well I'm sorry, but you should have made a reservation, because there is nothing I can do." So now she's mad at me and she gets up, takes her friends and says lets just go elsewhere, because he's not going to help us. Yeah, you are right, I'm not going to help you! Why would I? Should I have been impressed that you had VIP passes? I sure as hell wasn't! Since when did your VIP passes as the venue entitle you to VIP service elsewhere not associated with the venue? Did I miss the memo? Hell next time I get baseball tickets, I'm walking down to the dugout and telling them that I have tickets, so I get to sit down there now too. Yeah, it's just about that ridiculous! I don't care how much you pay for tickets to an event, because in all honesty I couldn't give 2 licks of a damn what you paid for, it doesn't ever make you special!!

There is a storm on the horizon

Since when did this sentence ever become okay, "Oh, it's a complimentary buffet since we booked a package, so there's no need to leave a tip because we weren't charged anything." Well let me just break this down; there are 3 errors to this sentence, lets make this like an old highlights magazine and see if you can spot those three errors! That's right, the first one is the statement it's complimentary because they booked a package! Dumbass should have realized that in reality they are still paying for it, they have just cleverly disquised it in the "package price." Ok you have great eyes and have spotted the second one, the statement there's no need to leave a tip! Really, no need to leave a tip, how about for the server who had to remove your 7 dirty plates from your table and bring refill after refill of juice and coffee for the whole damn table! Sure you could try and not tip, but then you just end up looking like a jackass, oh wait you already did that! Wow, I'm amazed, you found #3!!! They weren't charged anything, so it is completely unnessesary to tip since there is no way of figuring out what 18% of nothing is!! WRONG!!! You see just because you got something for "free" doesn't not mean that you don't tip for services rendered; by the way i'm also looking at you, yeah you, the ones who get things comped on the check and don't tip on it, it's wasn't the servers fault you either didn't like it or it didn't come out the way you hoped, so tip for it!! Well this concludes the Side of Ranch Highlights edition!

Do you get out often?

"The other guy that works made it for me his way, can you make it for me that way?" I don't think I can as, first, I have no idea who the other guy is, and second, I'm not the other guy so I don't know the way he makes it if it's his way! Oh and you don't even know what the drink is called, that helps! Sure let me just pull this magic drink that you have no idea what's in it, what it's called or even the bartenders name who made it for you, I'm sure I'll find that in the book of drink recipes, let me just look under retarded lady sat at my bar. Oh and when you finally decide what drink you want and have me make, it's not the time to ask me if it's good or not as I set it in front of you. Perhaps you would like to eat that meal you got that one time at the one place where that one guy served you. I hear it's great I'm going to try it out sometime. Dumbass

I sure as hell mind!

"Oh, don't worry it's his job, he won't mind a little mess on the bar top." What?!? I don't mind? Did you ask me? Because I sure as hell don't remember that question! Hell yeah I mind! I don't need you to empty your purse on my bar top and leave me all your trash, and then you go and tell your friends it's ok, I don't mind so they should do it too! Then I guess you won't mind my finger in your drink, right? Why did you go and put words in my mouth, last time I checked I don't get paid by you to clean your messes up, I get paid by my work to do my job, which is bartending, not janitor. Who the hell decides it's a great idea to just empty their purse on a bar top, hell I think the next time I'm driving I'm just gonna pull over and empty my car out in your drive way, because you won't mind, you won't mind a little mess on your lawn, it's just wrappers and flyers, you can just pick that stuff up. Oh and thanks for the wrapping paper stuffed into an empty bowl of soup, it's just what I wanted.

I'll tell you why!

"Tell me why I read cheese then!" Now lets get to the story, a man order the kids macaroni, mind you it's macaroni with sauce or butter, it doesn't say cheese. When the dish comes out, the man is angry because he ordered the kids macaroni and cheese like it says on the menu, well surprise, it's not on the kids menu. He proceeds to become angry and wants to know why he read cheese. Not sure we can answer that for you sir, it clearly doesn't say cheese on the menu, so I'm guessing you just misread it, yet you want me to have to explain that to you, while you get mad at me for it. I'm failing to make the connection between you misreading something and getting mad at the server for your mistake. Did I miss something there, is this like the movie Being John Malkovich? Did someone else climb in a magic door that lead to your brain and that person controlled you for a bit... see the movie, it makes more sense that way. Oh great job on getting mad in front of your kid, I bet that's not going to somehow influence them when they grow up and go out to eat.... not one bit I bet. I believe from now on, when I make a mistake like that I'm just going to start blaming others, hell the other day I put the wrong gas in my car, I believe I'm going to blame the clerk behind the counter, hell I never even went inside, I paid at the pump, but I bet that sneaky ass somehow made me read the buttons wrong and that's why I pump the wrong gas! Son of biscuit, I just figured it out, perhaps I should find a new gas station! Look buddy when you finally came back from crazy, come in and get dinner again, just make sure no one makes you read the menu wrong!

"I love this photo, the girl here is a lot younger than me and in this photo she looks way older than me. Makes me so much younger!" Well sir, since you had to go and point that out to your friends eating dinner with you, I believe you just proved you are old. You see if it wasn't so important to you to not feel so close to death, you would have never pointed that out. Oh, and why are you carrying that photo with you? You guys aren't even looking through photos, you just pulled that out of your pocket! The guy sitting with you have grey hair by the way, so why would he even care, because you probably made him think you are such a jackass, I'm glad he let you pay for the whole check, hope that doesn't eat into your social security jackass! You sorta remind me of the kid who tries so hard to look older, but just ends up looking stupid, that's you man, but in reverse. Next time you pull that photo out, use this line "Hey everyone, I'm a jackass who is probably older than I look, yet I still feel so close to death that I need to make myself feel like a young adult again. Oh and ignore the peppering hair, I haven't bought my Just For Men lately because my social security check has been slowly shrinking!"

Wow, and I thought you were cheap!

"Yeah, you would figure that with all 6 of her kids getting really nice presents, she would have spread it around more, but all the non family members got cheap stocking stuffer crap." Ma'am I believe that you didn't realize what you just said so I will have to break it down. You see, she has 6 kids, all of whom I'm guessing were birthed by her and make up her nuclear family, and you, who is not a family member, so there is no blood relation or birth needed for that, truly deserve your cheap gifts, especially if you are sitting here at the bar complaining to your pompous ass friends about all the other crappy gifts people gave you. Fuck, be happy people gave you gifts, perhaps things aren't so good, not everyone can sit there with a crap load of jewelery and expensive clothes on, times are tough! Oh I know you are surely going to go home and complain about those crappy ass picture frames your friend just gave you, oh wait was that a gift card I just saw you give her? Wow, talk about cheap, you couldn't even think of a gift to get her, nice work, bet that took a lot of effort to think of a gift card. Oh by the way, if you are going to sit at my bar for the duration of your gift exchange, then order food, only to move to a table as your food comes out, it would have been awesome of you to actually tip me, fine you tipped the server who removed your plates and dropped your check, but what about me? Oh thanks cheap ass!