Do you get out often?

"The other guy that works made it for me his way, can you make it for me that way?" I don't think I can as, first, I have no idea who the other guy is, and second, I'm not the other guy so I don't know the way he makes it if it's his way! Oh and you don't even know what the drink is called, that helps! Sure let me just pull this magic drink that you have no idea what's in it, what it's called or even the bartenders name who made it for you, I'm sure I'll find that in the book of drink recipes, let me just look under retarded lady sat at my bar. Oh and when you finally decide what drink you want and have me make, it's not the time to ask me if it's good or not as I set it in front of you. Perhaps you would like to eat that meal you got that one time at the one place where that one guy served you. I hear it's great I'm going to try it out sometime. Dumbass

I sure as hell mind!

"Oh, don't worry it's his job, he won't mind a little mess on the bar top." What?!? I don't mind? Did you ask me? Because I sure as hell don't remember that question! Hell yeah I mind! I don't need you to empty your purse on my bar top and leave me all your trash, and then you go and tell your friends it's ok, I don't mind so they should do it too! Then I guess you won't mind my finger in your drink, right? Why did you go and put words in my mouth, last time I checked I don't get paid by you to clean your messes up, I get paid by my work to do my job, which is bartending, not janitor. Who the hell decides it's a great idea to just empty their purse on a bar top, hell I think the next time I'm driving I'm just gonna pull over and empty my car out in your drive way, because you won't mind, you won't mind a little mess on your lawn, it's just wrappers and flyers, you can just pick that stuff up. Oh and thanks for the wrapping paper stuffed into an empty bowl of soup, it's just what I wanted.

I'll tell you why!

"Tell me why I read cheese then!" Now lets get to the story, a man order the kids macaroni, mind you it's macaroni with sauce or butter, it doesn't say cheese. When the dish comes out, the man is angry because he ordered the kids macaroni and cheese like it says on the menu, well surprise, it's not on the kids menu. He proceeds to become angry and wants to know why he read cheese. Not sure we can answer that for you sir, it clearly doesn't say cheese on the menu, so I'm guessing you just misread it, yet you want me to have to explain that to you, while you get mad at me for it. I'm failing to make the connection between you misreading something and getting mad at the server for your mistake. Did I miss something there, is this like the movie Being John Malkovich? Did someone else climb in a magic door that lead to your brain and that person controlled you for a bit... see the movie, it makes more sense that way. Oh great job on getting mad in front of your kid, I bet that's not going to somehow influence them when they grow up and go out to eat.... not one bit I bet. I believe from now on, when I make a mistake like that I'm just going to start blaming others, hell the other day I put the wrong gas in my car, I believe I'm going to blame the clerk behind the counter, hell I never even went inside, I paid at the pump, but I bet that sneaky ass somehow made me read the buttons wrong and that's why I pump the wrong gas! Son of biscuit, I just figured it out, perhaps I should find a new gas station! Look buddy when you finally came back from crazy, come in and get dinner again, just make sure no one makes you read the menu wrong!

"I love this photo, the girl here is a lot younger than me and in this photo she looks way older than me. Makes me so much younger!" Well sir, since you had to go and point that out to your friends eating dinner with you, I believe you just proved you are old. You see if it wasn't so important to you to not feel so close to death, you would have never pointed that out. Oh, and why are you carrying that photo with you? You guys aren't even looking through photos, you just pulled that out of your pocket! The guy sitting with you have grey hair by the way, so why would he even care, because you probably made him think you are such a jackass, I'm glad he let you pay for the whole check, hope that doesn't eat into your social security jackass! You sorta remind me of the kid who tries so hard to look older, but just ends up looking stupid, that's you man, but in reverse. Next time you pull that photo out, use this line "Hey everyone, I'm a jackass who is probably older than I look, yet I still feel so close to death that I need to make myself feel like a young adult again. Oh and ignore the peppering hair, I haven't bought my Just For Men lately because my social security check has been slowly shrinking!"

Wow, and I thought you were cheap!

"Yeah, you would figure that with all 6 of her kids getting really nice presents, she would have spread it around more, but all the non family members got cheap stocking stuffer crap." Ma'am I believe that you didn't realize what you just said so I will have to break it down. You see, she has 6 kids, all of whom I'm guessing were birthed by her and make up her nuclear family, and you, who is not a family member, so there is no blood relation or birth needed for that, truly deserve your cheap gifts, especially if you are sitting here at the bar complaining to your pompous ass friends about all the other crappy gifts people gave you. Fuck, be happy people gave you gifts, perhaps things aren't so good, not everyone can sit there with a crap load of jewelery and expensive clothes on, times are tough! Oh I know you are surely going to go home and complain about those crappy ass picture frames your friend just gave you, oh wait was that a gift card I just saw you give her? Wow, talk about cheap, you couldn't even think of a gift to get her, nice work, bet that took a lot of effort to think of a gift card. Oh by the way, if you are going to sit at my bar for the duration of your gift exchange, then order food, only to move to a table as your food comes out, it would have been awesome of you to actually tip me, fine you tipped the server who removed your plates and dropped your check, but what about me? Oh thanks cheap ass!

Is it necessary?

This one is not so much a thing heard at work, more it was a thing viewed at work. Crew neck sweatshirts that look as if they are choking you. Yes, a group of grown men showed up wearing them, not the classiest of gentlemen mind you, and they begin to ask about wine selections and proceed to get a full description on many of our wines and their reply is "Well you obviously have no clue about your wines!" Said straight faced with truth and not a joke. Well sir if you continue to order that crap ass wine that you have so far, then I would have to say you have to no clue about our wine. Now my biggest question is, why do you guys continue to wear those damn sweatshirts through out dinner? Is that your idea of "dressing up?" Did you guys lose a bet, because I sure as hell would have taken those things off, you don't want to get an wine on your awesome choice in clothing. Did Kohl's have a sale? How the hell do you swallow, it looks like those sweatshirts are preventing your Adam's apple from moving! Well at least you guys are warm in our nicely heated dining room.

What?

"We have the Sam Adam's Winter Lager." "Is it an amber or an ale?" Seriously? How is that a question, you just asked me if it was color of a beer or a type of beer! Yes it's an amber, but last time I checked an ale isn't a lager. I believe I just said it was a lager in the name! Sir do you even drink beer or do you throw questions out to sound awesome, because I'm a bartender and I know the kind of questions you ask and you sir are not an experienced beer drinker, hell I don't even think you have moved out of your parent's house. When phrasing a question like that it is best to understand the question before asking it. You see a lager is a type of beer, while an amber is an attribute to a beer, yes it is a descriptive term, but works better with such words as light beer, brown or even a dark color. Now when you break the question down it just seems dumb, now doesn't it?